Estamos todos condenados

Estamos todos condenados : )

Tenho saudades tuas

Its been such a long long time, almost 6 months. I want to see you so much but I feel nervous about coming together. I hope we can be peaceful together. I am worried about the circumstances, being in lockdown and quarantine in a small flat. I want it to be a happy experience. 

Its all part of a bigger background of nervousness I feel about coming out of the simplicity of life in lockdown. On the one hand life now is a very simple routine, not too much to consider, no need for excuses to make about not wanting to go and meet someone across town for an evening and then have to get home. No worries about how money slips out of your bank account on stupid senseless minor pleasures that leave you nothing to show for them. Only myself to worry about. I have developed a simple and efficient routine to get myself to work, get home, keep fit, lose weight, eat healthy, clean the house. Everything works and everything is in order. Everything is in control. No big emotions, no arguments, no dramas. Yet everything is so dull 

I feel that I am slowly becoming a shadow of myself. No real human interaction other than at work or the hour long video calls with friends and family. I feel more and more 2 dimensional. Life is steady, safe, under control and getting to be very small. 

I hate a small life. All of the major changes in my life have been driven by me wanting a bigger experience. My instinct is to move when safe.

Full moon tonight.

Walking through the parks, where there are so many people these days (nowhere else to go) I see groups of lovely young men. Running or just walking together energetic and physical. I feel stirred by their physicality and masculine essence. This must be how men feel about women when the testosterone kicks in